Whose bed have your boots been under?

Whose bed have your boots been under?

So. Relationships....are difficult. Dating as a single parent is one of the hardest things to do, you have to make sure they are good people, decide when, if ever to introduce them to your kids, or how involved they are gong to be in your child's life, blah de blah. A million people have written about dating as a single parent. Trying to date as a single parent in the kink world is turning out to be far more difficult than I imagined.
Besides the normal dangers, unfortunately, the kink world has..well...perverts in it. I can be open and accepting of a lot of stuff, but dating guys who have certain kinks makes me uncomfortable having them around my child. I feel bad about it, but I can't change them, and I can't change how I feel, so that limits me in some ways. Then we have the fact that the BDSM part of my life is constantly growing, to the point where I can't imagine dating a totally vanilla guy. I doubt many men would be comfortable with me taking off my pants and getting spanked by another guy, but if they aren't willing to do it, I don't know what else I would do. So I'm stuck there. Plus, guys who aren't at least a little bit dominant just don't turn me on. I can't handle weak men, or submissive me. They drive me nuts. Not that weak and submissive are the same thing, but they are both synonymous for 'men I don't want'.
And then we have all the men out there who ruin dating in other ways. Men who can't seem to handle monogamy. Personally, as a woman, I get deeply offended when men solicit me for sexual things, when they are in relationships. Kinky or vanilla. I am not polyamorous. I am monogamous. I don't believe in having multiple sexual or romantic relationships. Just for me. I totally GET why people want/need more than one. You can't get everything you need from only one person, its almost impossible. I am just too jealous of a person though to share someone I love. Or to be shared. Its just not something I am comfortable with doing. And thats not bringing into account all the men who are NOT in any type of open relationship who proposition me. I don't enjoy being the dirty mistress, or the other woman. I am not going to sleep with you if you are not single. Period. End of discussion.
How am I supposed to date or have a serious relationship when all I ever see are lying cheating bastards? Okay, maybe not ALL, I do know a few guys who seem to be able to keep in in their pants...but its rare. I know judging all men on the actions of some is illogical and unfair, but it drives me nuts!
I spend more time turning down men in relationships than I do even TALKING to single guys.
Dating. Sucks.

I will remember you

I will remember you

So, this post is entirely and one hundred percent NON-kink. If that doesn't interest you, feel free to not read.

Today is my daughters birthday, which is always bitter-sweet, because who wants to see their baby get old? She is the only child I have, and most likely will ever have, and she turned 7 today. I know that she isn't all grown up and ready to leave the house or anything, but it is still hard at times to see how far from a cuddly little baby she has come. Although, she is a rockstar, so at least I have that. She is hilarious and I love her more than anything.
Today is also a sad day. Two years ago, after a hard 3 day struggle with life, my niece passed away during a heart surgery we were hoping would save her life.
My entire family was broken from that. We have tried to celebrate my daughter, and only think happy thoughts on Halloween for the past 2 yrs, but it is so hard. We should be celebrating the birthdays of 2 amazing and beautiful little girls, and instead we only get to celebrate one.
I won't compare the loss of a niece to the loss of a child, I can't even imagine the pain her parents go through everyday, not to mention her birthday and the anniversary of her death, but I know that it is absolutely horrific.
There is no point to this blog other than to vent some of my pain and frustration with life and "god" if there is one. I am utterly infuriated that if there is a higher power, it allowed this to happen. And I am so sad inside and unable to express it, that I feel sick.
We miss you little girl, and we all wish you were here.

Sweet Child Of Mine

Sweet Child of Mine

So, one of the reasons I started this was to air some of my concerns about being a good mother and being involved in this type of lifestyle. I have one child, a girl, who will be 7 next week. She is absolutely adorable, insanely smart (she's reading Harry Potter already, shes almost halfway through book no. 5), she's mouthy, and funny, and I love her to pieces.
She also loves it when I play 'bongos' on her butt, sometimes she bends over and tells me to kick her in the the tuckus, and I have seen her spanking her toys and stuffed animals before. A large part of me wonders if she is a 'hard-wired spanko', or just a curious kid. She does on occasion get spankings as a form of discipline, but since she started laughing at me when I would warn her about them, she mostly just gets a quick, surprise swat to the butt, at most. She could be simply acting out a familiar form of discipline on her toys, and I could just be reading too much into it, but I just can't tell yet. I'm not particularly concerned, if that is something she enjoys, then that is her choice, once she is a consenting adult, I'm just insanely curious about how her mind works.
I'll probably just end up leaving a book or two about kink out when she gets older, the way my mom left "Our Bodies, Ourselves" out when I was going through puberty. If she is interested she can learn a little and know its not some sick, bad thing, and if she isn't, then she can just think her Mom is a weirdo. I'm sure I'll have done many weirder things to annoy and embarrass her by that point in her life.
The whole goal of parenting is to bring a small person to adulthood as unscathed as possible, and able to make sane, intelligent decisions for themselves. It cant be hard to be sure I'm doing that when at times I wonder if I'm making sane, intelligent decisions for myself. All of this is complicated when you have a child who isn't stupid. She's asked me before why I have been walking funny the day or two after a scene, and shes even thought it was funny to come poke me in the butt when she notices me sitting down very gingerly. I have to be careful not to change in front of her, so she doesn't see the bruises on my butt. I tell her to stand up for herself and not let other kids bully her around, but I spend as much time as I can getting beaten til I'm a shaking, crying mess. Granted, since I do have a child to take care of, 'as much time as I can' usually only ends up being once every couple of weeks.
Maybe I'm just inviting trouble in, but I can't help but wonder how I would every explain any of this to her if the need arose, or wonder if living this way is going to have an affect on my ability to be a good parent. Can I teach her to be a strong woman, when I am a sub? Or are those two things not mutually exclusive?
*sigh*
I don't expect any magic answers, but these are all things I think about often.

Saturday Night

Saturday Night

I should probably designate specific days of the week for blogging, to ensure some regularity in my posting ability.
I really don't have to much to say right now, I'm a little too hungover to function at the moment. I just want a hot bath and a mocha.
I just wanted to post something really quickly about the aforementioned hangover, and also, its Scene Saturday! Which I am extremely excited about!!! Yay!!! Due to certain restrictions i!n both our lives, but especially mine, my Dom and I don't get to scene very often, sometimes we manage every weekend, but it usually ends up being more like every other weekend, which is just not enough. However, I'll take what I can get and be happy about it. If I remember correctly I was pretty damn mouthy last night, and I think the words "You never punish me anyway!" came out of my mouth, so tonight should be interesting.
Have a fantastic weekend and stay safe everyone.

You oughta know

You outta know

I am not 'out' to very many people as far as my BDSM related proclivities go. But I'm not NOT out either. All of my friends know that I enjoy rough sex, they've all seen me bruised and limping or unable to sit normally, or wear certain clothes after a fun weekend. I've had sex related bruises on almost every inch of my body, not to mention scrapes, burns, abrasions, etc. So I guess I never really thought telling my vanilla friends that I enjoy being spanked and beaten with various objects until I'm either bleeding, in tears, or my Dom's arm gives out, would be much of a surprise. Apparently it is. I've been told that I'm weird, a freak, and that pics of my bruises are gross and disturbing. So. <sarcasm> That is awesome. </sarcasm>
I can see how me being submissive could come as a surprise, for the most part, I hate being bossed around, I rarely take 'orders', and there is an infamous story about a  boy telling me I had had enough to drink one night...it didn't end well for him. However, if people paid attention, they would realize every relationship I have been in I have been submissive. Even in most of my friendships I take a subtly submissive role.
I can't imagine my life with a long term vanilla partner. Finally exploring and embracing and labeling this side of me and this part of my life has been absolutely amazing. I love knowing who and what I am. I love all my bruises and marks. I love everything about it. I finally feel like this is who I am supposed to be.
I don't know, this is just an incoherent ramble, but it is just so frustrating sometimes. To have to hide part of myself because it is not 'normal'.
Normalcy is overrated.

I like the way you smack my ass

I like the way you smack my ass

So I went to my very first play party this weekend. It was fun getting to see other people scene, since the only ones I have ever seen have been my Dom and his wife. Although, after about hours of watching other people get beaten, I got pretty antsy. And then it was my turn.
Due to some miscommunication between my Dom and I earlier in the week, he mistakenly thought I had challenged him. I said 'I don't think you can make me cry again this weekend.' Not because I doubted his ability to beat me well, but because it is a lot harder for me to show emotion on large groups. He took that as a challenge and decided to beat me harder than he ever had before.
I am a stubborn girl, so I of course decided to not react at all if possible. I made myself go limp as much as I could, only crying out when I couldn't take it anymore. I was forbidden from talking, but I bopped my head to the music and laughed as people tried to get me to talk to them to get a reaction. After going through ALL the toys, and breaking 3 different wooden spoons, he finally got annoyed. Someone handed him a leather strap covered with metal rivets, and he proceeded to make me scream like a bitch. I think at one point I actually kicked me feet like a child having a tantrum because I was so upset. That strap was the best and worst thing that ever happened to my ass. I got covered with small round bruises that made my ass look like it was leopard spotted...I ALMOST bled from multiple spots, which is the only reason he stopped, and then he spanked me on top of that. It was horrible/fantastic/awful.
But I did not cry.

To Sir, With Love

To Sir, with love.

I have always been submissive to some extent. With my family, for as long as I can remember, especially my female relatives; my family is extremely matriarchal. The few men in my family have a tendency to yell when they want to be heard, and for the rest of the time, fade into the background. Even my abusive step-father, when he wasn't yelling or hitting, was just background noise to me. With my friends, from a young age, I would make suggestions, but for the most part, bow to their wishes and whims. Even when I did try to organize or lead things, I would end up just trying to make everyone happy and content with however our plans ended up. And then there were my relationships. I realized that as much as I love being spoiled and pampered (who doesn't?), I was happiest when they were happy. I spent my time giving backrubs, making food, picking up, being available and happy to have sex whenever and wherever, in any position they desired. Cuz that's what girlfriends should do. Right?
Anyyyyways. The point is. I like being submissive, it comes easily to me, in some ways. In other ways though, I am a stubborn bitch. Tell me to stop drinking when we're out at the bar? I will drink til I puke on your shoes. Tell me you don't want me to be friends with another guy? I'll bring him over every day just to annoy you. I'm obstinate, and ornery, and some other word that begins with 'O'. So needless to say, I never thought I would actually have a Dominant/submissive relationship. I figured the most I would get is kinky sex and maybe an occasional spanking. If I was lucky. Then I met Amaraxis*.
Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a lot of emails from guys on Fetlife. Most of them were more than 15 years older than me, and some of them asked if I wanted "to be so Dominated by me that you would wet yourself rather than go to the restroom without permission?". The answer to all of them was a resounding NO.  But Amaraxis was different. Rather than compliment my tits, or tell me he wanted to chain me in his dungeon, he told me about himself, and his wife, and his job, and his experience in the kink community. I was intrigued, so I wrote back, and we became friends. Then, after a few weeks of discussion, I agreed to scene with him, the first time I had ever done anything like that. The extent of my 'beatings' was an occasional swat on the ass during sex, a couple smacks with a belt and once I got bruised boobs.
The act of removing my clothes, laying down, and letting myself be totally vulnerable to someone else was terrifying. I had no idea how I would react, if I would even like it, and if I could even take a beating hard enough to leave a mark. I kind of thought once he started I would end up screaming and freaking out and either hitting him, or locking myself in the bathroom. Oh how wrong I was. I LOVED it. Every second of it. Some of the toys were less pleasing than others, I hated the crops, and the dressage, but I loved the floggers and his bare hand. Soon we moved on to weekly spankings, and I fell in love with the belt. I became more comfortable with people being around, and started to hate the floggers but after a couple 'punishments', grew to love the crops.
The point is, I fell in love with pain. And with being submissive. So after a lot of talking, and a lot of time, we decided to move to the next level in our relationship, and he is now my Dom. It took some time to figure out our boundaries, hampered by the fact that neither of us are 'out' in our daily lives as far as our kink status goes. We have finally found a balance that seems to work for now. Obviously things change all the time, and we may have to tweek things in the future, but for now, its working, and we are both happy. I'm sure we will have issues to deal with, right now he is mentoring someone, and it is driving me insane, but we are able to communicate openly and honestly, and we will get through that too.
His other sub, his wife, is an amazing woman, and I love her dearly. I never thought I would get involved with a married man this way, I always figured if I had a D/s relationship it would be with someone I had a romantic and sexual relationship with as well, but life is full of surprises. It's kind of awesome actually, to have someone else to compare stories with, complain with, and bond with. I have days where I feel awkward that someones husband is spanking my ass, but then I have days where I am so glad to have her as well as him, to talk me through my issues, to laugh with me, and to be bratty to him with.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.