Friday, February 10, 2012

Figured you out

So, I have set a task for myself, since I am currently lacking a Dom to do that for me. I am going to work on my submission in one of the ways that is the most difficult for me, by actually ACTING submissive. Weird huh? I'll do what someone tells me to do, I'll bend over or lay down for a spanking or a beating with no qualms at all, but addressing Doms as 'Sir', or asking for things, is extremely difficult for me. I'm not entirely sure why, just like I'm not entirely sure where my difficulty in talking dirty, or asking to be dominated or punished or spanked come from. I sometimes blame it on my weird catholic/atheist mix of upbringing, or the fact that I was abused as a child, so asking someone to hurt me as an adult seems wrong to me, but the truth is, I have no idea.
I have accounts on several BDSM related sites (fetlife, collarme,, etc) but I spend most of my time on Fetlife, and have the most real life friends on there. Since it seems to be more difficult to be submissive with people I know well, I have started responding to messages on the other sites with "Yes Sir", "No Sir", "Thank you Sir", and such. It is more difficult than I originally anticipated, but I get a weird sense of satisfaction from it. Perhaps I will try that with Dom's I know personally soon. Maybe. Although I'm pretty sure my face will melt from the sheer force of my blushing when I do.
Being a redhead is such fun. Oy.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Its the end of the world as we know it

First off, this is a new blog. Sort of. I moved everything from my old blog over here, to a new blog, made with a new and unknown to the world email, because I am slightly paranoid like that.
Second off, I have been so busy with work and family crap, that I haven't had the time, energy or inclination to write in far too long.
And C, I don't know how to use apostrophes properly, it galls me every day, and I am sorry.
I kind of wish I had someone to give me writing assignments, I work much better with guidelines and deadlines and such. A free for all of writing usually ends up in me being and emo mess. And no one wants that.
I will write more, soon, I promise. :)

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Losing my religion

Losing my religion

So I've mentioned my Dom before. The first Dom I've ever had, which was a really big and difficult step for me to make. I am submissive by nature, always have been, but I was raised to believe that submission=weakness. Even after 6 months, as much as I get a thrill out of little acts of submission, it's still hard for me to deal with bigger acts.
But now, after several very stressful weeks of soul searching and indecision, he has decided for his own personal reasons, that he can't be my Dom any longer, and even though it's been a while since we have scened or reallly had a D/s dynamic, it still hurts a little. I feel like I got dumped, and it sucks. I want him to do what he needs to do, and I would never want him to end up angry or resentful for me asking him to do or be something he can't, but now I feel like I have to start this whole journey again. Blah.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Bad Girlfriend

Bad Girlfriend

So, I seem to decide to post on here about every 10 days, which is far less than I intended when I started, but my life is pretty much just work-sleep-clean-do mom stuff-repeat. Which is hardly even interesting to live, so I can't imagine how boring it would be to read.
I'm still spending time with VanillaBoy, who actually has started a FetLife account, but hasn't had much time to explore yet. He told his ex about me, which made work today slightly awkward. I also feel bad because I just can't seem to hit my stride with him. He's nice and patient and sweet and wants to be kinky and wants to spend time with me, so of course, I have no clue what to do with him or how to act with him. I mean, I don't do mooshy, gooshy stuff, but I don't even know when I should or shouldn't text him, or call him cute names, or anything.
Nice guys are out of my realm of expertise.
In other news, I got a new job, which is YAY! Its a PRN position as a nurse with local law enforcement, which makes me feel totally bad ass and sexy. It also makes me wanna hit on hot cops. Men in uniforms with handcuffs and beating sticks.....mmmmm.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

I want it that way

I want it that way.

So my Dom has decided to take a break from the lifestyle, which I fully support for various and sundry reasons, but I am now a sub without a Dom or a Top. A sub who very much misses the lifestyle (my own schedule has been in the way for some time now), and is craving a beating. The current vanilla boy I'm interested in is curious about everything and wants to experiment, but I don't feel that I am experienced enough to handle a newbie.
It's a frustrating position to be in, and I don't know quite what to do. Ask a friend to assault my body? Take up vanilla boy on his offer? Take up Malignus on his offer despite my fear of him and his hands of death? Or just suck it up and wait til Sir is ready again?
Have I ever mentioned how bad I am at making decisions?
In other, non kink related news, I had a great holiday weekend, even though I worked pretty much every day. It was my first Black Friday while working in retail and I survived, which I am quite proud of. I saw a lot of family I have missed, got some good old fashioned nerd time in, and met the above mentioned VanillaBoy. It was a long, but good weekend, its funny how much more I appreciate my family as I get older.
Hope you all had a great holiday as well.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

All by myself

All by myself.

So, I got one of those job things everyone has been talking about. It sucks. Not the job itself, it is a decent job, I work with good people, and I have fun, despite the looong hours (13 hour day on Tuesday). But this is RUINING my social life. Literally, since I've started working, my family that I live with has apparently decided I don't need to get out of the house or have fun with friends, so they don't babysit anymore. So no more socials on Sunday evenings, barely ever see my friends, kinky or vanilla, and it has been about a month since I've had a spanking or beating.
I have no idea whats going on in my 'kink' world anymore, a new social group was started and I had no idea for like 3 days that it was different from the old one. My friends are talking about hanging out with people I don't know, and have never met. And it SUCKS.
Not to mention the HUGE lack of ability to meet guys or have a dating life, even if I could find one that wasn't a total asshat (see last entry), I wouldnt have time for them.
I'm obviously going to die alone, in a house filled with cats, and no one will realize I'm dead and the cats will eat my corpse and the only thing left for the cops to find will be my skeleton.